Welcome to Sweet Tea Tuesdays, today we’re discussing friendships.
I solicited the help of two lovely ladies: my nearly lifelong friend, Stephanie and more recent friend, fellow Moms of Hue writer and blogger, Barbara. These two women were gracious enough to help me fill in the blanks on some of the ways and reasons friendships work-and work well, against perceived odds. We invite you to think about your own relationships and share in the comments section.
Stephanie and I met in the pre-pubescent tribe forming years, and while we knew each other, lived in close proximity and were not only schoolmates, but also classmates, we weren’t friends. Fast forward over a decade and we’re neighbors and our husbands are not only both involved in the entertainment business but they’re collaborating on projects yet, we are not friends. Another decade passes and what do you know, we’re both at a point of transition and end up 3,000 miles from “Start” and are still neighbors, and of course, we are now friends. I’d call this kismet, but that’s just me, as you’ll soon read.
For all intents and purposes, Stephanie and I were destined to be friends: we’re both women of color, we’re sisters, daughters, aunts, imagined albeit faithful concubines of R&B singer Maxwell and professional teeth-sucking side eye shootin’ I got your actin’ up in public even if you aren’t my child mothers. Yet, we share a dissimilarity that has historically reduced friendships, marriages, families, empires and nations to ruins: religion.
As long as I’ve known her, Stephanie has been a devout witness of Jehovah, and as long as I could form a cogent argument for or against it, I’ve been committed to the belief that the existence of G-d is the greatest unknown. I think this belief system means I lack faith, but for argument’s sake today, we’ll call it- and me an agnostic.
How do we do it? I shot Stephanie a few questions about our friendship-none of which alluded to my writing about her faith or my lack thereof. This is what she had to say when I asked what she looked for in a “trusted friend”? “Honesty, respect and a listening ear. I need to know that I can be myself and say anything and know that I will be given honest advice or no advice ,[and]at the right time”. You see that? Aretha was on to something: R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
Our friendship works because we have a mutual respect for ourselves and each other. I look at our bond and commitment to sustaining it as a microcosmic utopia, “Yes, we can all just get along.” Truly, it’s no easy feat to build and maintain a trusted friendship on such polar belief systems, as Barbara conceded when asked about Tonya, her dear extroverted, childless by choice, risk-taking friend.
Tonya felt her friendship with Barbara “…gives us room to be ourselves and do our own thing… as well as brings another perspective into the mix since we tend to disagree more than agree”. Barbara agrees, and adds, “I think that we work as “best” friends because of the history that we have. We built our relationship on solid principals that we both share, to the point that we are more like family than just friends. While I do believe that two people can share the same space and a friendship without sharing the same views, I don’t have the tolerance that it takes to listen to differing views on a regular basis. So, I wouldn’t choose a new dear friend who had a differing view on a regular basis. We would have to have had that solid foundation first. Like my friend stated, its all a part of growing as people.”
In closing, I returned to my friend Stephanie and asked how she could be a better friend, of course I was met with a quick retort, “Am I not the bomb already?” Followed by an admission that she could be better at calling and e-mailing. Admittedly,after reading her responses, I was reminded that my own post-traumatic pragmatism, has a place and time, and will be especially conscious of when and where I offer my “voice of reason”. While we’re working on that, how will you be a better friend? Have you considered the ways your intimate relationships shape the whole? Do your current relationships challenge you to modify your perspective? How so? How will you create your microcosmic utopia?
Next Tuesday, we’re showing our age. You’ve heard it before, and I bet you’ve even said it a few times: “Kids nowadays. Just what is it with our young people?” You might be surprised to find out. I’ll see you then, and of course do bring a friend.
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