The past couple of weeks have been emotionally challenging for me…for no particular reason that I can determine other than my entire view of my life shifted for about 14 days. Although I could clearly see how many wonderfully divine changes had occurred in my life over the past year, for some reason, I found myself stuck in woe-is-me-the-sky-is-falling mode. And, I hate it when I do that.
A year ago, two weeks before Christmas, I was laid off from a company for which I had worked for eight years. I cried for about fifteen minutes as I processed the words, “This was a big one, and your position was impacted.” But, the truth is that I had prayed feverishly the night before for this seventeenth lay-off to be the one that found my name on the list. I was ready; not like I claimed to be right before each of the other sixteen company lay-offs. This time, I was really ready. I wasn’t running from anything, I was moving toward something. I wasn’t dreaming about escaping anymore; I was envisioning the possibilities I felt prepared to step into.
And, I did. Armed with a clear vision of my transition, I decided that I wanted to be self-employed even as all headlines and economic indicators pointed to the foolishness of taking that type of leap now. Just one short week after losing my gig, I was offered a six-month contract position that perfectly resembled the bulleted list that was my transition vision. It was almost magical the way this gift arrived, exactly as I had ordered it, and I never even spoke the words to ask for it. It was just offered. And, I took it knowing that in six months I would take a leap of faith, no matter what, and finally answer this call inside of me to do work that truly mattered to me and that might matter in the lives of other families.
My only fears then were that I wasn’t up to it; that I would give up; that I couldn’t fully commit; and that it might not matter to anyone but me. Those were the only fears. And, I have worked through them consistently, remaining committed to, convinced of the importance of and frankly, in love with, what I am creating in partnership with so many others who see co-parenting as a possibility for families like ours.
But, two weeks ago, none of that seemed to make a difference as the down economy finally recruited me as a participant. It wasn’t even financial hardship that began to consume my emotional energy; it was the fear of it that had somehow creeped under my skin and into my tear ducts. Suddenly, all I could think was, “What have I done? What am I going to do? Why did I think I could do it? What if…? How could I be so stupid? What kind of mother would…?” It came from nowhere, and it overtook me.
Like I said, I hate when I do that. So, to be able to life with myself, I had to create another shift in how I was thinking about it all. And, so, today, on this second day of Kwanzaa, I am reminded of the answer I knew months ago when I took the first step along this part of my journey: Kujichagulia. Self-determination. The principle of Kujichagulia says, “We define ourselves, name ourselves create for ourselves and speak for ourselves.”
I have made self-determined choices this year about the course in which I would steer my life and that of my son. Some were good, and have guided me into moments of complete certainty that I am on the right path, that the Universes is conspiring to support me, that all is well, despite the appearance sometimes. Others have been bad, triggering guilt and doubt that get translated into fear and anxiety. And, the evaluation of others is still to be determined. The story isn’t complete yet.
But, the point is that, in the face of the challenges that make my life interesting, I have made choices, and I continue to make them in every moment. And, I have the capacity, the right and the responsibility to continue to not only make them, but also to own them powerfully, right, wrong or TBD. Kujichagulia, for me, is the answer to my fears and one of the biggest keys to living my life fully and powerfully enough to transform whatever I think needs transforming, including me. Happy Kwanzaa!
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