*Digging into the MOH Archives for this one.
My mother used to introduce me as the “athletic one”. My oldest sister was “the pretty one”.
My mother tried everything to make sure that people thought I was prettier. She forced me to wear traditionally girly clothes and did not like that I was so athletic. She wanted me to be a princess, but I just wanted to be me. She would tell me that I needed to “soften my appearance,” because my dark skin and very Black features were harsh, I guess. Within the Black non-Community, there is a serious color complex- the lighter you are the better- and even as a child I knew this. I was the darker skinned of three girls. I never heard that I was beautiful. What I was told was “You’re pretty for a dark-skinned girl” or “You would be so pretty if you weren’t so dark.” Those comments were enough to make me hate myself- and they did. Years later. I engaged in behavior that I thought would make me prettier- promiscuity and bulimia. Lying and hiding.
I do not like boxes- being put in one. Boxes hide the whole. They force people to only look at a small portion of a person. I look at my daughter and want more for her. I want her to be herself without fear. I don’t want my child to have to choose one of two races. I don’t want her to be the short one, or the fat one or even the smart one because those tags are so limiting.
What we tell our children is so important. We may not see the results right away, but words have a way of burrowing down deep inside and festering away at one’s self-confidence. There are so many things in this world that can beat our children down, but parents should not be one of them.
What will you tell your children?
*Originally posted on Mom on the Rise on 6/30/2008
image credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/zoo_babele/ / CC BY-NC-ND 2.0
This post was written by my friend and former colleague, Erika Miller who is a part of an amazing project that needs your help. I wanted to share this with MOM OF HUE as dating violence is too common within our community.
In almost ten years as a Relationship Abuse Prevention Program (RAPP) Social Worker and as part of the staff at a NYC High School, I saw first hand how many students had been impacted by domestic abuse, whether they lived in abusive homes or were in abusive relationships themselves. I saw the other factors that shaped what youth thought were relationship norms and ideals, such as peer and pop culture influences. One thing was clear, teen dating abuse is a serious issue facing our youth. But we can do something about it. We can model healthy relationships for our youth, and we can educate our youth about whats healthy and unhealthy in a relationship.
I met an educator last May during the annual “A Call to Men” conference at John Jay College. After he overheard me talking with other participants about the work I do and more specifically, the work my peer educators do he informed me of a documentary he was working on completing. He thought my program would be a perfect addition.
After 16 months, I am proud to say that this film is up for a Pepsi Refresh grant. We need your support to ensure that this very important film will be completed, and then shared across the country to educate our youth.
Below are some disturbing statistics about teen dating abuse:
- 1 in 3 teenagers report knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, kicked, slapped, choked or physically hurt by their partner. (Liz Claiborne Inc. study on teen dating abuse conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited, February 2005.)
- Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend had threatened violence or self-harm if presented with a break-up. (Liz Claiborne Inc. study on teen dating abuse conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited, February 2005.)
- 13% of teenage girls who said they have been in a relationship report being physically hurt or hit. (Liz Claiborne Inc. study on teen dating abuse conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited, February 2005.)
- 1 in 4 teenage girls who have been in relationships reveal they have been pressured to perform oral sex or engage in intercourse. (Liz Claiborne Inc. study on teen dating abuse conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited, February 2005.)
- More than 1 in 4 teenage girls in a relationship (26%) report enduring repeated verbal abuse. (Liz Claiborne Inc. study on teen dating abuse conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited, February 2005.)
- 80% of teens regard verbal abuse as a “serious issue” for their age group. (Liz Claiborne Inc. study on teen dating abuse conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited, February 2005.)
- If trapped in an abusive relationship, 73% of teens said they would turn to a friend for help; but only 33% who have been in or known about an abusive relationship said they have told anyone about it. (Liz Claiborne Inc. study on teen dating abuse conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited, February 2005.)
- Twenty-four percent of 14 to 17-year-olds know at least one student who has been the victim of dating violence, yet 81% of parents either believe teen dating violence is not an issue or admit they don’t know if it is an issue.
- Less than 25% of teens say they have discussed dating violence with their parents.
- 89% of teens between the ages of 13 and 18 say they have been in dating relationships; forty percent of teenage girls age 14 to 17 report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend. (Children Now/Kaiser Permanente poll, December 1995)
- Nearly 80% of girls who have been physically abused in their intimate relationships continue to date their abuser. (City of New York, Teen Relationship Abuse Fact Sheet, March 1998)
- Of the women between the ages 15-19 murdered each year, 30% are killed by their husband or boyfriend. (City of New York, Teen Relationship Abuse Fact Sheet, March 1998)
In a study of gay, lesbian, and bisexual adolescents, youths involved in same-sex dating are just as likely to experience dating violence as youths involved in opposite sex dating. (“Prevalence of Partner Violence in Same-Sex Romantic and Sexual Relationships in a National Sample of Adolescents,” Halpern CT, Young ML, Waller MW, Martin SL, Kupper LL. Journal of Adolescent Health, Vol. 35, Issue 2, Pages 124-131, August 2004.)
20% of surveyed male students report witnessing someone they go to high school with physically hit a person they were dating. (Tiffany J. Zwicker, Education Policy Brief, “The Imperative of Developing Teen Dating Violence Prevention and Intervention Programs in Secondary Schools.” 12 Southern California Review of Law and Women’s Studies, 131, 2002.)
- 17% of teens have been threatened or manipulated online or via text
- 22% teens feel their significant other checks up on them too much
- Young people who have been cyberbullied are more than twice as likely to have considered quitting school.
- 14% teens have been victim of impersonation
- Nearly 1 in 5 teens of sext recipients have passed sext along to someone else
- More than 50% teens who shared a sext shared it with multiple people
- 29% teens have had rumors spread about them online or via text
- 15% teens complain their significant other checks up on them too often
- Over 10% have had significant other demand to know password
- Over 25% teens say their bf/gf has read their texts without permission
- Over 25% report sharing online password with someone else
- 14% teens said they were threatened with physical harm to avoid a break up – stats in italics from athinline.org
