When I invited my oldest brother Marc to live with us, it was not just because my mother was worried about her grandchildren not having a father figure-even though she never said as much. He didn’t have a job, and I was a single mom raising two boys under the age of five on my own. He landed in the United States a year before after his twelve year European chapter ended in divorce. He had no kids, and a 12×18 color picture of the beloved sail boat he had to sell when he moved stateside. Stateside could have meant Virginia, where we grew up, and where he has a zillion connections. Instead it meant Maine, where they have a zillion sailboats and two boys who call you Uncle-Daddy and say; I love you Uncle Rabbit Will You Play Airplane With Me Now Silly Head after they give you the bump, and lunge into their footy pajamas because you want them to explore their own “gravitational pull”.
That room off of the playroom in the damp basement apartment that was going to be my writing studio, my office, was just not being used. I prefer to write on my laptop near the boys, and the heat. But my brother likes the cold, and loved the idea of living rent free in exchange for playing with his nephews a few hours a week. Well, that isn’t exactly how I presented the idea, but that was the gist of it. He was eating through his savings faster than he hoped, and wasn’t ready to give up on the Maine dream yet. He was also growing very attached to those to boys, and said yes faster than he could toss Marcel into the air.
The boys were thrilled. From day one they were told that this was Uncle’s apartment, and not just a cold room downstairs. Uncle had to agree when and if the boys could come down, as he had his own life too. “Can I can come down now Uncle?” was practiced with animated repetition. From the onset, that we had things pretty well figured out, considering the lack of sibling co-parent models we had to follow. Clear limits and expectations were discussed for all of us. He’d have his life, I’d maintain some of my single mommy autonomy which I love, and we’d have a lot of shared time in the middle.
Alone he was just a single guy living in an apartment. In the basement, he became transformed into a super hero. What we offer, is relationship. He is living with his biological family, two nephews, and a sister, who need him, share meals with him, are entertained by him, cherish him, engage him, and redefine him. Being the Uncle who can teach you how to swing a pizza dough in the air, who can be the rough-house filling of a Sammy-Uncle-Marcel sandwich, and be the most important man in your life, is an obligation that makes you feel herculean just for walking up the basement stairs. Or at least that’s how it looks to me.
After the family dinner, he often takes the boys downstairs to what he calls the rumpus room. He is the word guy in the family. It does sound more enticing that way, agreed. I look forward to this time to pop onto my online universe, have a semi coherent phone call without the boys head butting each other while clinging to any material they can find around my thigh area. When I come home worried about Sam’s lack of concentration, or that t-ball won’t challenge him, or certain that Marcel is a genius who should be doing pre-calculus instead of block building 101, he listens. He always does that maddening devil’s advocate thing- that I have now secretly come to depend on. He takes every part of his job very seriously.
I never thought of communication with men in terms of accomplishing anything. (This could explain the never married at forty-two part.) But this man, the first man who I have managed to live with for more then three weeks at a time (as a matter of fact we’re approaching our one year co-habitational anniversary) has taught me to take a deep breath and let it go if it’s not that important. When a mug is knocked off the shelf by a Nerf ball barely missing my head splashing into the dish water, I want to scream; “Just tell the kids to stop throwing balls in the house!” Instead I wring the dish cloth out with extra intention as I overhear him suggest that they reduce their “gravitational experimentation” over mom’s head so she won’t go “reptilian” on them.
When dinner was an hour late because he was caught up on a writing project, and he forgot it was his dinner day, I focus on helping them get food in their bellies fast, and make a note to text him mid day to check in about dinner if he has told me he is on a dead line. Or, I can offer to trade nights. A big ah-ha for me; it doesn’t have to be about me being right all the time. Clearly Marc has something to offer me too. I am learning how to compromise in a successful way with a man.
Marc left for a week long trip to Washington, D.C. for work recently. We prepped the boys (as an adoptee Sam has some deep seated separation buttons) and I planned ahead for the times he would have picked up the boys, or made dinner. The three of us bounced right back into our self sufficient ways with ease. I took them to a musical one night, and we played plenty of football in the playroom too. When the car died on the way to the store and the tow truck had to come I didn’t panic. I called the upstairs neighbors to get the boys, and I waited alone for the tow. I texted Marc just to tell him about it. I think I wanted him to know he was missed, and that I was self sufficient too. Co-parenting with my brother is new territory that we are staking one Nerf ball at a time. It is working so far because we all have something to offer each other in this relationship. Of course it makes our mom really happy too, even if she doesn’t say so.
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Neat post! Here via @reneeJross.
Al_Pal´s last blog ..Sensitivity: I have it.
This post brought little tears to my eyes – as you know, I lost my brother recently and I am pretty sure he would have had a similar bond with my son. I always thought if something ever happened to my husband – my son would still have an amazing father figure in my older brother. They love[d] each other so much and even share[d] the same dimple (still confused about using past tense).
. Your mom is no doubt proud of the two of you – I just think its beautiful and what a great guy. With my new baby coming, I have given a great deal of though to moving closer to my family. I am starting to think fierce independence is terribly overrated. Why not surround your kids with as much love as possible? And why not be easy on your self and be surrounded by as much help as possible? I love that you invited your brother to live with you and he took you up on it. Your kids are so blessed!
Tiara´s last blog ..A Spoonful of Sugar
Tiara,
Thank you for such a personal, and connected response to this. That is why I share these stories–to meet in the middle with readers and writers like you. (Your “what tense” to write comment grabbed me by the middle too. Honored that you included your brother here.) We live very far from family–except for Uncle. And, I know it is not a permanent arrangement–so we all cherish it for the moment it is here I think. It isn’t always easy putting up with each other–this was the “lighter” version–but honestly over all we are doing the work as it is called for, and always moving forward.
Catherine/ Mama C´s last blog ..Edges
This is such a vivid, satisfying portrait of a family. You are the master of the telling detail and the perfect, crunchy word choice.
I co-parented with a very involved husband/dad (and still do), and we were certainly making it up as we went along, too. It was constant, often barely-controlled chaos. By the evidence – two splendid, shining, successful-at-being-human adults – it worked fine.
This post makes me happy, to know of such a creative, vital, sustaining, good-for-everyone experiment in family. It’s good for all of us to hear about it. Thanks.
Annie O’Brien´s last blog ..Tracking Everyday Bias
Annie-thank you for the praise and the reminder that “making it up” as we go does work! Your assessment of your kids is right on too-from what I’ve had the privilege of witnessing.
Catherine/ Mama C´s last blog ..Edges
When me and my wife separated through divorce, we had no choice but to settle arrangements when it comes to co-parenting. We have 2 young kids and we don’t want them to suffer just because we needed to part ways. So me and my ex-wife are working hand in hand to take care of the kids. My wife also bought co-parenting planner/organizer from http://4help.to/parenting which really is of big help in this process. Hopefully we’ll get things flowing smoothly as planned. Thanks for sharing this!
Marcus´s last blog ..Parenting Issues
Marcus-it sounds like you have some great skills in place already! Thanks for joining in here.
Catherine/ Mama C´s last blog ..Edges
Even though co-parenting stories are as varied as the families who live them, your story offers a very unique picture. I enjoyed reading about your boys’ relationship with their uncle, and how you and your brother are navigating co-parenting, but I was pleasantly surprised to catch more than a glimpse of you and your personal story, beyond the realm of “just” co-parenting. Co-parenting really is a personal journey that influences other aspects of our lives, and vice versa. Thank you for this wonderful glimpse into your world!
Deesha´s last blog ..“No Casualties of War Here”
Deesha-Your comments mean a lot coming from the co-parenting GURU and prolific writer herself! The brother-sister dynamic is well suited in a lot of ways for co-parenting I have found. I realized while writing this that since Marc and I share the same parenting “model” we don’t have divergent backgrounds to try to align. But we also have less to draw from! We don’t share the rearing like a traditional mm and dad would either–because I am MOM and he is Uncle. But we are finding our way through that too. (How that is hard for him sometimes, and me too.) It is such important work-and the process is great for the kids to witness no matter what. Yes–I agree it influences our lives in so many ways!
Catherine/ Mama C´s last blog ..Edges
Everywhere I turn, I’m reminded of the very many paths which lead us to the right places. Thanks for sharing your unique family and perspective. It’s refreshing to witness all of the facets of family coming together under one roof. (And, how much do I love your brother for using the word, “reptilian”…I use it on telemarketers, just before I go off on a tangent about restraint and the triune brain!)
t. allen-mercado´s last blog ..Ahem…
Oh he will love to read your “reptilian” appreciation! I love how you connect this to the paths leading to the right places. SUCH a great reminder indeed.
Catherine/ Mama C´s last blog ..Edges
Thank you for this intimate look into co-parenting and thank you for this intimate declaration of just how the children of a single mom can get all the male role modeling they need from a male other than their biological father.
Barbara´s last blog ..Introducing: Babygirlz Magazine
Barbara-because neither of my sons started their lives with a known father entity it allows me more room to create that. And as I mentioned in my post about going to the AME church, I have a deeper appreciation of late as to how important it is for me to present them with models of men, black and white and everything in between for them to be able to navigate their own “what does it mean for me to be a man” identity around. Uncle is a great start indeed. But he is not black. He is not mixed. He is a caring, intelligent, humorous, adventurous, and loving man who models so much of what I want my sons to associate with manhood. Then again, what do I know?
Catherine/ Mama C´s last blog ..Proposing
Marcus, the website you recommended is really helpful. I ordered a planner at http://4help.to/kids which I might get in the mail next week! I am excited to use it. Thanks!
Hello!
I am a textile designer and mama to a little girl born in Haiti, after becoming a mixed adoptive family I realized how limited the textile world (blankets, bedding, clothing…) was for families like mine. Last year I started designing prints for the families I see around me every day and have just launched a new line called “The New American Family” I would be delighted if you took a look and maybe if you liked it shared the news on your site. There are prints with two papas and their kiddos, two mamas and a little girl, single parents and mixed families, adoptive parents and biological parents.
You can see the line here:
http://www.etsy.com/shop/manoallamano
Thank you for your time!
haitian american family of three´s last blog ..Haiti Care Update from Chances for Children:
This is so inspiring – thank you !
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