Welcome to Sweet Tea Tuesdays, today we’re discussing friendships.
I solicited the help of two lovely ladies: my nearly lifelong friend, Stephanie and more recent friend, fellow Moms of Hue writer and blogger, Barbara. These two women were gracious enough to help me fill in the blanks on some of the ways and reasons friendships work-and work well, against perceived odds. We invite you to think about your own relationships and share in the comments section.
Stephanie and I met in the pre-pubescent tribe forming years, and while we knew each other, lived in close proximity and were not only schoolmates, but also classmates, we weren’t friends. Fast forward over a decade and we’re neighbors and our husbands are not only both involved in the entertainment business but they’re collaborating on projects yet, we are not friends. Another decade passes and what do you know, we’re both at a point of transition and end up 3,000 miles from “Start” and are still neighbors, and of course, we are now friends. I’d call this kismet, but that’s just me, as you’ll soon read.
For all intents and purposes, Stephanie and I were destined to be friends: we’re both women of color, we’re sisters, daughters, aunts, imagined albeit faithful concubines of R&B singer Maxwell and professional teeth-sucking side eye shootin’ I got your actin’ up in public even if you aren’t my child mothers. Yet, we share a dissimilarity that has historically reduced friendships, marriages, families, empires and nations to ruins: religion.
As long as I’ve known her, Stephanie has been a devout witness of Jehovah, and as long as I could form a cogent argument for or against it, I’ve been committed to the belief that the existence of G-d is the greatest unknown. I think this belief system means I lack faith, but for argument’s sake today, we’ll call it- and me an agnostic.
How do we do it? I shot Stephanie a few questions about our friendship-none of which alluded to my writing about her faith or my lack thereof. This is what she had to say when I asked what she looked for in a “trusted friend”? “Honesty, respect and a listening ear. I need to know that I can be myself and say anything and know that I will be given honest advice or no advice ,[and]at the right time”. You see that? Aretha was on to something: R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
Our friendship works because we have a mutual respect for ourselves and each other. I look at our bond and commitment to sustaining it as a microcosmic utopia, “Yes, we can all just get along.” Truly, it’s no easy feat to build and maintain a trusted friendship on such polar belief systems, as Barbara conceded when asked about Tonya, her dear extroverted, childless by choice, risk-taking friend.
Tonya felt her friendship with Barbara “…gives us room to be ourselves and do our own thing… as well as brings another perspective into the mix since we tend to disagree more than agree”. Barbara agrees, and adds, “I think that we work as “best” friends because of the history that we have. We built our relationship on solid principals that we both share, to the point that we are more like family than just friends. While I do believe that two people can share the same space and a friendship without sharing the same views, I don’t have the tolerance that it takes to listen to differing views on a regular basis. So, I wouldn’t choose a new dear friend who had a differing view on a regular basis. We would have to have had that solid foundation first. Like my friend stated, its all a part of growing as people.”
In closing, I returned to my friend Stephanie and asked how she could be a better friend, of course I was met with a quick retort, “Am I not the bomb already?” Followed by an admission that she could be better at calling and e-mailing. Admittedly,after reading her responses, I was reminded that my own post-traumatic pragmatism, has a place and time, and will be especially conscious of when and where I offer my “voice of reason”. While we’re working on that, how will you be a better friend? Have you considered the ways your intimate relationships shape the whole? Do your current relationships challenge you to modify your perspective? How so? How will you create your microcosmic utopia?
Next Tuesday, we’re showing our age. You’ve heard it before, and I bet you’ve even said it a few times: “Kids nowadays. Just what is it with our young people?” You might be surprised to find out. I’ll see you then, and of course do bring a friend.
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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
I love this! Between the end of 2009 and now I had resolved (not at all related to the New Year thing) to be a more connected friend. Possibly because of my slight introversion, I tend to feel good by giving a lot of thought to something/someone. I actually love being thought of too. I finally decided that more emails and dialing a phone more often were a must. Anyhow, what has kept my closest friendships going is that we all seem to value a lot of space and time so 3 months without talking doesn’t hurt us, though every couple of weeks is better. I’m still working out the difference thing. I mean really being comfortable with disagreeing on some issues. Oh man, I’m thinking all sorts of thoughts. I really love this :0)
Jennifer´s last blog ..Boots!
Good for you Jennifer. I’m an introvert too, so much so that I often catch myself in the trap of wondering, “Did I say that out loud?”-which is not okay when it’s an I love you…I must get better about saying that out loud. As for differences, I’m an odd duck, always have been-so I’m used to having and sharing a differing opinion-again, I should do less of that!
Thanks for weighing in and I’m glad you’re thinking, that makes me smile!
t. allen-mercado´s last blog ..Ahem…
Thanks for allowing me to have a seat at the table today Tameka. The tea sure did hit the spot. So many things bring us together because we are so many selves. Sounds like one of the keys to a great, long lasting relationship is the ability to know and be comfortable enough with “self” to be challenged and enlightened… at least some of our “selves”, lol; and to be willing and able to challenge and enlighten in return.
Looking forward to coming back for more next week.
Barbara, you are so supportive, thank you! You’re welcome to have a spot at the table anytime.
You make a great point about being comfortable within-it makes a world of difference in every facet of life. Again, many thanks!
t. allen-mercado´s last blog ..Ahem…
Well my childhood buddy I love this topic. The coming of this new year for me was getting rid of alot of dead weight friends that have festered their stay way to long. I got tired of giving and giving and never recieving within the whole friend perspective. I have always made time for my so called close friends and now that I venture on to new things(finish school) no one has time to let me vent or hear my long winded stories of my school experience. Especially now that my life is heading into such a great place. I am actually relieved to let some of these people go and start new and healthier realtionships. But in the same note this year has brought on some very interesting starts of new friendships that are growing and flourishing into respectable friendships and even just good acqaintances. I’m comfortable with that… Love your writing and hope to come and join in on more of your topics…
Fran
I understand Fran, I’m tempted to quote some cliche about friendships having seasons, but have resigned myself against these things you see :/. In truth, relationships are hard to maintain in the face of change and growth. I too have had to lighten my friendship load a time or two-making those who’ve held position right alongside me come hell or high water even more integral; friends like you. Congrats on all that is going well for you, and much love and thanks for stopping in and sharing.
t. allen-mercado´s last blog ..Ahem…
On how to become a better friend, I would have to say to leave the door of communication open more. I have not always done that in my friendships, yet expected that friendship to last. I think it had more to do with all the moving around I did as a child and always having to establish new “friendships” as I went. It was all just so temporary at a point and I transferred that over, I guess. I have, in the past 2 years, given more energy to saving the worthwhile friendships and it has really worked out.
As for what I look for in a friend, I would have to say someone that I can talk to without feeling as though I am being judged. Someone that complements me as a person, that I can learn from, and grow with. Sort of in the same way I would look at my choice of partner. Loyalty is a definite as well as someone that gives me the truth because in this way, I can grow – while being assured that they support my growth by the fact they presented me with ways I need to look at myself.
Traci´s last blog ..Social Networking- The New Fav
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