When I was about 8 years old, my grandmother made the decision to adopt a new baby. It was a beautiful gesture, considering the fact that this new baby was coming from a drug addicted mother, who happened to also be a cousin. Not only would this baby have the privilege of growing up in a drug free home, it would not be subjected to being separated from its family, nor being bounced around from foster home to foster home. So, in October of 1993, my grandmother became a mother for the eighth time. And since my grandmother was like a mother to me, I became a big sister for the first time. I had always wanted a sister. Big or little. Being an only child has its great rewards, but then there are the days when you truly want to share your toys with someone else. Now I would finally get my chance.
Fast forward 3 to 5 years. The sister that I had longed for turned out to be the kind of little monster I could have never imagined. She got to take my things, hit and bite me, all without punishment. In fact, it was me who got the punishment if I didn’t let The Golden Child have her little way. Because of the difference in treatment, I quickly started not to like her. It would be great if I could say that over the years, I was able to look back at those times and realize that she was just a baby who didn’t know any better, and that we developed a close knit bond, now sharing each other’s clothes and makeup tips, but that isn’t our story. Our story is more along the lines of me becoming more like a second mother the older I got, and she being babied more the older she got. A perfect recipe for sibling rivalry and being in opposition to ever having children.
Luckily, I was able to move past my aversion to children, but those days of feeling like I was being loved differently than the little addition to our family, and feeling like I was obligated to aid in the caring work as an adolescent, as opposed to being able to build a sisterly bond and relationship with said addition, remain with me. Furthermore, I still see this kind of senario play out between parents, older siblings and younger siblings. A lot of the time, depending on the number of years between the siblings, an older sibling will be required to feed, clothe, bathe, help with homework, entertain, discipline, and look after their younger sibling(s). I’m not saying that these are bad things that are being asked of older children, but I do feel that there is a very fine line between co-parenting a sibling and interacting with them.
Have you encountered older children in your family/friendships being given a lot of responsibility for their younger sibling(s)? Do you have older and younger children of your own, and if so, how do you balance this situation so that your children are allowed the space and opportunity to grow together as siblings and not apart as rivals?
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Aww, that doesn’t sound like a recipe for a healthy relationship. I agree the parentification of children is indeed a deal-breaker amongst siblings in many cases and hard on the parent/child relationship as well.
I am 13 years older than my brother and 16 years older than my sister. In addition, Jordan is 8 years older than Yael Rose! I am very much a mentor to my siblings and raised them at times throughout their childhoods’, but purely by choice. As for my own children, the makeup here is like having two only children born of the same womb. Each are independent and thriving at their own pace with limited albeit appropriate loving interaction.
I like the spacing as a mother because they were each born at pivotal times in my life and I see in them my growth as a person and a parent. Although being an introvert and married to one had a great deal to do with that-we’d never survive two needy young children at the same time. *Laughs* NEVER!
Great article!
t. allen-mercado´s last blog ..I Squeal For Teal!
Wow! You give me hope Tameka! Jalia will be 7 this year, and while I am emotionally ready to be pregnant again right now, the boyfriend and I do not have any babes in our near future =(. I get anxiety about the whole age gap thing because I don’t want her to feel the same way toward a sibling that I feel for mine. I want the two to have a close, loving relationship instead of a hate-hate relationship. I guess I can’t hold my experience as the marker of how it would be for Jalia and a new addition. I hope that, when that time comes, she will view her sibling as someone fun to have around, and not as someone that she has absolutely nothing in common with, lol.
I am the oldest of 9 children. 8 of whom my mother adopted! Five are biological brothers and sisters all born addicted to drugs, and three are not blood related. Yes, I have played the role of ‘second mother’, and often find myself still acting out that role.
My mother is the oldest of 11 (19 by birth but only 11 survived) and she raised 5 of her younger siblings, so needless to say this topic totally speaks to me.
I am the proud parent of three a 5 year old boy and a set of boy girl twins who are 21 months. My children are close enough in age that my son won’t have to worry about co-parenting. He’ll always just be the twins big brother. I would never put the responsibility on my children that I had growing up. It isn’t fair and I do feel that I missed out on a lot of my youth because I was helping mommy with the babies.
This was a great article thanks so much for posting.
MrsDeveter´s last blog ..The Beginning of Birth Pains
Such a powerful experience. It feels good to know that I am not the only one, although I wish that the sibling experience could have been a little different for the both of us. I too, never want my daughter to have that experience.
Barbara´s last blog ..Being a Big Sister: What Does That Really Mean?
Having a big space between my first and subsequent children was definitely a challenge. My oldest considered himself an only child for so long, he had a hard time sharing once his two sibs arrived, and he continues to have issues. I even think I parent them differently.
Definitely understandable. I know its hard to have your own little routine, and then here comes someone else in, all up in your mix, stealing moms attention, lol. I know it has to be a big adjustment for everyone. Perhaps a plus to being the oldest is the fact that you know you’ll be the first one out of the house, thus, back to your own space at some point, hehe.
Barbara´s last blog ..Tweet Tweet 5
This is a very good topic! My oldest daughter is 10, and she has three siblings under her. My husband and I have spoken on this very topic before, and I’ll admit, I’ve had to catch myself in the past and realize I was asking too much of her. With an active 7 year old boy and two toddlers, it can get stressful. But I think we do very well in not allowing our oldest to grow too fast through sibling care. It gets loud and crazy sometimes, and as mature as she is, I’ll sometimes look at her and she’ll look at me, and I say join the raucous!
That made me smile Arlice =). I’m glad that you and your husband are aware. I know it gets stressful and the extra pair of hands is always welcomed and, heck, always needed too, but like you said, when those extra pair is being asked to grow up a little faster than usual, its not always fun and enjoyable. I think the fact that you and your husband can sit and evaluate, and recognize if your daughter might have too much at any given time, is BEAUTIFUL!