Somebody to lean on

Around this time of year I take time to reflect on the past year and write goals for the coming year. As a working mom, my goals tend to zero in on career and financial areas. This isn’t terrible, but such a narrow focus causes me to lose sight of other important areas of my life, like friends.

Similar to most moms, my days are often so jam-packed with to-do’s, errands, appointments and other obligations that I rarely have time for myself, let alone a friend. (At least, that’s what I tell myself.) But last week, my oldest daughter reminded me of her friend Jordan.

Jordan is one of my daughter’s best friend. But she moved away last year, shortly after her father suddenly passed away. The loss rattled my daughter. It struck me too. For months prior to the loss, I had waved at her friend’s mother and promised, “I’ll call you. We can get the girls together and hang out.” The mom would nod in agreement as we both rushed off to the busyness of our respective lives. Sadly, we never got a chance to keep our promise to one another.

Scenarios like this remind me how empty a mom’s life can be. Too often we push our friendships with other women to the side, as we wade through the turbulent, chaotic waters of work and family alone. “This is really a mistake,”says Dr. Ruthellen Josselson, co-author of Best Friends: The Pleasures and Perils of Girls’ and Women’s Friendships (Three Rivers Press, 1998), “because women are such a source of strength to each other. We nurture one another. And we need to have unpressured space in which we can do the special kind of talk that women do when they’re with other women. It’s a very healing experience.”

Moms need the friendship of other women, whether they’re fellow moms or not. We all need someone to lean on. Whether you want to make new friends or reconnect with old ones, here are some things I’m doing that might help you:

• Be available: If you’re like many moms, the only consistent human interaction you have is with your children, co-workers and the grocery store checker. Take small steps to reach out beyond these typical “tribes.” For example, if you usually drop your child off at school in the car line, try parking your car one or two days a week so you can walk her on to school grounds. Then, begin to make small talk with other moms. You might also consider volunteering or joining a club to meet women with similar interests.
• Extend an invitation: When you meet someone that resonates with you, offer an invitation to re-connect. I met one of my best friends when my daughter was invited to her daughter’s party. We discovered a common interest in running, began meeting a couple time a week for a run, and the rest is history!
• Listen and be there: Working moms hunger for someone to just listen and be there for them. So when it comes to making friends, it’s easy to overload others with your drama, woes and worries. Remember, friendship is a two-way street that requires you to give just as much as you receive. Whether you’re developing a new friendships or nurturing an established one, focus on giving. Listen and be interested in the other person.
• Not everyone will be your BFF: When it comes to making friends, more isn’t always best. Friendship is an area in life where quality is better than quantity. Your time is precious; spend it with people who make you a better person, rather than those who drain the life out of you. Plus, being a good friend means making time for the ones you have. It’s better to have five very close friends that you can enjoy quality time with, than 50 whom you rarely see or hardly know.
• Be you: Friendships are based on trustworthiness and honesty. It begins with you. Keep it real. Don’t put on a charade because you think it’s what other people want to see from you. Your fake behavior will be revealed eventually and will ruin the friendship. Say what you feel, mean what you say and be open to hearing the opinions of others too. Friends needn’t agree on everything, but should have a healthy respect for one another’s opinions.

Friendships help moms experience better, more fulfilling lives. Be a friend. Make a friend. The outcome is always positive. I’ll be there with you because in the New Year, I’m resolving to organize my priorities in a new way – friends and family first, followed by career and money.

Tagged as: friendship