What do you call a single mother who has a boyfriend? Well, you’d still call her a single mother…
I know a host of people who have mixed feelings about ready-made families. I’ve heard everything from “I don’t date women with kids” to “I’m not trying to be nobody’s mama”. My initial inquiry when I hear statements like these is, who said that all single people who have children are automatically looking for someone to step in and take the absent parent’s place? I’m not into making generalized statements, so let me say that I know there are some who are looking for a father figure or mommy replacement for their son or daughter, BUT this is not the rubric of single parent dating as a whole. This may be hard to believe, but there are actual single parents who are more interested in finding true companionship for themselves and a true “friend”, or male/female role model for their child(ren). Dating for the single is not always about re-making “the family”.
Taking on responsibility for a child is a lifetime commitment, so I can understand the fear that some men and women might have of being thrust into that role before they are ready. Truth is, some people shouldn’t be in “that role”, in a single parent’s life, period. Can the church say amen? The whole aim of dating is to get to know people, and through that, determine if they are right for your lifestyle at a particular time. By the time the relationship stage presents itself, little questions, such as “Do I really even like kids?” should have already been answered.
A while back, I asked my boyfriend if he had any worries about dating a woman with a small child in the beginning; If he was concerned about possible “baby daddy drama” or me looking to him to fill the duties that my daughter’s dad was not at that time. He responded that it really didn’t bother him that I was a mother, and that I never made him feel like he was “suppose” to be a caregiver to my child. He seemed to understand that I came as a packaged deal, and by dating me, he was being afforded the opportunity to make friends with my daughter, no other responsibilities required.
Finding my daughter a daddy was the last thing on my mind when he and I first met. She already had one! Its still not first in my thinking now that we are in a relationship. I am more interested in him getting to know her as a person, rather than him stepping into the role of father. If we make the decision to advance to a more permanent stage (ie; living together, marriage) then that will be the time to talk more about co-parenting possibilities. Until then, he will continue to build a friendship with her, and I will continue my stay in the Single Motherhood.
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
This is GREAT and well said. I don’t even expose my children to my dating life at all because they really are separate worlds, but when I tell most men I have three children (albeit from one daddy and former husband) they run for the hills! LOL — kids have a nice weeding effect don’t they?
Thanks Mama Rue! Hehehe, I think you’re right. Our little ones have the power to do us justice in so many ways across some many areas of our lives. I agree that our children and our dating really are two different worlds and issues arise when we cross the two too soon.
Barbara´s last blog ..Let’s Do It Again
I think maybe this is a hang up from days gone by… I mean wayyy gone by like fifties days… when the primary objective was to find a daddy or mommy…. I agree with you this is far from true now a days, but I think for some reason it is a belief society still hangs on to!!
So true Jamie. Family is a very powerful term/concept and the desire for it, or fear of creating it, makes us do interesting things. The societal pressures of having a household/family that is nuclear AND heterosexual doesn’t help either.
Barbara´s last blog ..Let’s Do It Again
Thank you for putting this out there… You are right, there are people looking for absent parent figures for there children. For me, I just want someone for me. My children have fathers, not the best fathers, but none the less they are there fathers. I keep my personal life and my children very separate. Yes there does come a time at which the two will meet, but it will be down the road if things get very serious.
You are very welcome Renee, and thank you for sharing your thoughts. I was inspired to talk about this after a girlfriend told me that her long term boyfriend broke things off with her recently because he wasn’t “ready to be a father”. I found it interesting because she had never “asked” him to be her son’s father, and like you said, she was more interested in him for herself, not as a stand in for her child. It all came down to fear, and I just couldn’t understand why he waited so long to tell her how he truly felt.
Barbara´s last blog ..National Exposure, Local Nightmare
Wonderful post! I’m definitely not looking for some daddy replacement for my daughter [she's two] she has a father. It’s true, there is this assuption that as single mother’s, we’re looking to put shackles on some dude and make him rear our yung’ins, but that simply isn’t the case. I agree with renee, my daughter isn’t the best father [I won't even get into that] but he is her father. I’m looking for a partner..not a male nanny.
Nicole´s last blog ..Going Natural
I love your mindset. I feel the same about my daughter and my boyfriend. After a year of dating, he and I are continuing to build, and they are developing a friendship. But I am the mother. And he respects that. He and my daughter’s father have even had several conversations so that we can all be on the same page. I love that we all get along and we all want the best environment for my daughter. Thanks for your post!
Joyce E. Davis´s last blog ..Give Away: MochaDad Says I’m A Winner – And You Can Be Too!