Recent media coverage has raised a concerned brow amongst the masses with regards to young people and violence. With all due respect to the recent victims of violence, I’ll make no specific references in this post. My sincerest wishes for strength, grace and healing go out to their families.
As a society our myopic view of violence within our daily lives’ is a large part of the problem we’re seeing with our children. Violence is defined by the American Psychological Association as “the act of purposefully hurting someone”. Now, pause for a moment to think of how many times this week you or someone you know has purposefully hurt someone with their words or actions; in their vehicles, subway cars, busy lobbies or elsewhere, with their cars, bicycles, weapons, or gestures. In reading this definition of violence and reflecting, do you now perceive the acts you’ve witnessed differently?
Surely, minor affronts-road rage and the like, (they even have their own names) aren’t typically what we’d call acts of violence, but witnessed by an impressionable child, in a backseat, car seat in plain view, is a contributing factor to a propensity for violence later in life. Violence witnessed at home, within the community and in the media desensitizes children and blurs the social mores for what is and isn’t acceptable behavior.
As an AP devotee and overall peaceful human, youth violence creates a series of hurdles for me. It would seem in today’s society options are limited to raising our children to be violent or become victims. The option of vigilance becomes less and less viable with each news briefing. “If someone hits you, you hit them back”, I hear. Surely, some time before the walloping starts, an opportunity to assertively, yet non-aggressively diffuse the situation exists, or not?
Our 10 year old has been the victim of physical violence by other children twice. Yes, twice at 10; in the sunny suburbs. I should add, this does not include what some adults like to refer to as “teasing” or “kids being kids” which later in life is called harassment and punishable under the law. The two incidents of which I speak would have resulted in jail time had the children involved been adults. I mention the sunny suburbs because violence knows nothing of socio-economics, gender identity, race, or religion-violence is a flawed human condition and we are, each of us capable and susceptible without education and tools for prevention.
I wish I could end this post with an eloquently bulleted, fail-proof checklist for preventing and eradicating violence from our society- regretfully, I can not. But what I can do, in an act of benevolence and camaraderie is share this informative guide from the American Psychological Association and a gentle nudge that you read it, incorporate it into your daily lives and most of all share it. Each one teach one.
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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
I am so glad you brought this to light for alot of our children are facing these voilent times. I experienced this myself when my child riding home in the train and grown ass men started to tease him because he had a spiderman gift bag. It ened up them beating my child because my child stuck up for himself. “grown men” wtf I could’nt help but just cry with every bit of anger that he even had to go through this. I really didn’t even know how to explain where their anger at him came from and my youngest started to get nervous every time her big brother left the house. As much as we want to keep our children and family members in a bumble the reality of it is we must go on with our lives and hope these acts of violence does not reach at our door steps. you are right everyday growing up i heard,”they hit you , you hit back.” We as parents and mentors of our communities have to take on responsiblity and teach at home and out in the community that violence is not the way. I mean let’s stop talking about it and be about it. It will be hard for everyone cause we all have anger issues but let’s come above that as humanbeings.
It’s so much BIGGER than: “We as parents and mentors of our communities have to take on responsibility and teach at home and out in the community that violence is not the way.” While I appreciate the approach, the reality of the situation is that this is a movement, if anything. It needs to be broadcast and perhaps incorporated into the daily curriculum or something. As we all know, movements take the masses. Let me just give a brief glimpse into what I mean.
My son was picked on by a new kid at his school when he was in 2nd grade. This boy went so far as to kick my baby, spit on my baby, and push him over a group of girls that were sitting on the playground (concrete, mind you). My baby brought each incident to my attention. Now, my son is never the confrontational one, but he is aware of how to defend himself. With each occurrence, I instructed my son to “tell either the teacher or the Principal”. When it kept happening, I made an appointment with the Principal to share my concern and to request a meeting with the parents. He didn’t want to do that – felt it would be a confrontational situation. As much as he felt this way, he still chose not to take action…yet the harassment continued. My next step; I went to the teacher and asked for the phone number of the parents and if she didn’t feel comfortable with that, I asked if she could call them and give them my phone numbers. She refused. After that, I began going to the school earlier to see if I could, on my own, catch up with the parents so we could converse before class or make arrangements for after school – to no avail. After that, I pulled the child aside, with my son and tried to “get to the bottom of things”. He told me that he didn’t have to listen to anything I said.
My next step. I told my son, “if he does it again, kick his ass and when they call me to pick you up, I will be on my way”. I’d exhausted all my options. My son had been f***ed with long enough and “enough was enough”. When it happened, my son handled long-overdue business, and true to my word, I was on my way. He never wanted to fight that little boy. In fact, wanted to befriend him, but for whatever reason, he chose to mess with him every chance he got. Teachers did nothing, Principal did nothing.
So, while I agree that there is education that needs to take place on a very LARGE scale, is there a strategy to it? Or is it case-by-case? I don’t know. I do know that even after they finally fought and I was called to the school, neither of the parents showed up. And oh yes, I waited around so that I could speak to them finally. It just never happened. So then what?
Oh…and the Principal tried to put it on my son’s permanent record in “case he ever gets to juvenile something needed to be documented”. I got that removed with a lot of fighting and proven attempts to rectify the situation. But that is for another post.
Sorry for the long response, but this topic is very close to me.
Traci´s last blog .."Bye, Bye, Baby…"
“Strategy”? Perhaps. That is something I’ve thought about for a while. The problem being human behavior above all else is probably the most unpredictable thing on which one can base a strategy. I agree youth violence should become part of the curriculum. Some might argue that it is the parent’s responsibility-I argue that the parent’s need to come and sit through the classes too. Thanks for sharing your story.
t. allen-mercado´s last blog ..October-Obligations: T, Motivation: 0
This makes me think of an incident that I experienced recently while visiting a friend’s home with my 3 year old. Her child (2) has taken to biting everyone. The child bites mom, dad, brother, and on this particular day, my daughter. Now I understand that children may do things without the full understanding of what they are in fact doing, but I watched this child bite my friend three times in a 10 minute period only to be told in an almost-jokingly-manner not to bite. The children left the kitchen to play and within minutes my daughter came running back crying very hard because the child had bitten her- not once but three times. In fact, two of the bites had broken skin on her hand and she was bleeding. I waited for mom to say something to her child and she simply turned to me and said,
“I didn’t know that your daughter was a crybaby. I don’t interfere in stuff like this. They have to learn to work it out.”
I was shocked. In what reality does one truly believe that a 2 yr old does not need to be corrected when he/she does something as violent as biting another child? I asked her what she thought my daughter should have done, and she said, “bite her back.” But why should it come to this. Why should I be forced to raise my child to be a fighter because she is raising her child to be a bully. I explained to her that Mike Tyson’s parents probably had to same philosophy which is why as an adult he thought it was OK to bite someone’s ear off.
We have to do better.
Kristnia Brooke´s last blog ..Know the Facts: Bringing Home Baby
I remember these types of parents. As a non-spanking family, I’ve also dealt with the parent that beats their child as a discipline measure for violence. Let’s just say, I learned a lot of childhood games and made an awesome surrogate friend to both my children. Good luck.
t. allen-mercado´s last blog ..October-Obligations: T, Motivation: 0
I really feel all the comments that have been made, and I just wanna add that, I agree that we as a society have been desensitized to violence in a major way. I, as an adult, am even desensitized to a certain degree. As horrible as 911 was and remains, the truth is, I’d seen those images before. And even as they replay on tv each anniversary, they have a certain impact each time. More like a movie than actual events. The horrible things that happen in the world we see on a daily basis.
How do we begin to repair that desensitivity?
Barbara´s last blog ..The Unexpected
I know what you mean Barbara, when I catch myself reacting flippantly, I take a moment to think about someone close to me. Whether it’s 911, road kill, domestic abuse-I remind myself that each life lost tragically upsets the order of the universe; some purpose had not been fulfilled-a cure for cancer, a pet for someone convalescing from illness, a buoyant smile remiss in the playground. Then it reels it back into the heart’s center. I appreciate your honesty and relate. Thanks.
t. allen-mercado´s last blog ..October-Obligations: T, Motivation: 0
Great advice. This is something that I apply to tragedy already, but it took a few events to get me there.
Barbara´s last blog ..The Unexpected
You brought something up that I think deserves more attention…the *small* ways in which we do violence to others that never becomes physical. Looking at our systems, how little people seem to care for each other and how little we feel cared for, it’s hard to imagine how to remedy the problem of violence. I agree that parents and violent images are a problem, and that has been addressed nicely here, but also I think we should consider how our systems from fast food lines, to schools, to the health care system, have become increasingly hostile, if you will, to people. In the name of efficiency and higher stats and income, people have been reduced to numbers and one individual truly assisting and attending to another has been lost in this…my point is that I feel in today’s society, there are few places that an individual can go an feel hopeful and supported. I think we need to slow down as a society…reflect on what is important, good luck to us on that one!
You’re right Jennifer. I touched on this in a comment on someone else’s blog after the Walmart child assault hit the news. At one point have we become too busy for the sounds of new young life? Turn off your cell phones and rejoice in that which was and will be before and after you.
t. allen-mercado´s last blog ..October-Obligations: T, Motivation: 0