I’ll be the first to admit I am horrible at doing my hair and much worse when it comes to doing my daughter’s hair. It’s just one of those talents that I just didn’t inherit.
Growing up I tried everything with my hair, yes even those crazy jheri curls back in the day. I’m pretty sure I burned or tossed out any pictures during that stage of my life, so don’t bother looking. To this day I don’t know why my mom every let me do it. I’ve gone through so many stages growing up trying to figure out what worked best for me and my hair. I’ve had hair mishaps that could only be repairs by scissors. In the end what wound up working best was getting a relaxer every six weeks and just wearing my hair straight.
When I had my daughter everything changed. At three years old she was already asking me to make her hair straight like her friends. She would ask me to make it long, or put it up in one pony tail like all the other girls in school. Explaining that I couldn’t was a challenge. Explaining to her that I couldn’t even make it look like Mommy’s was a bigger challenge.
A few months later I made the mistake, and I’ll explain later why I think it was a mistake, to get her hair relaxed, just along the edges to make it easier for me to maintain. Her reaction to her new hair “freedom” was a little shocking. She shook and flipped her hair all day long. She was so excited that her hair was just like all of her friends.
That is when I realized, I just conformed and set the tone that her hair was not okay the way it was. Not only that I also created a maintenance problem, after two visits I realized I would need to keep this up going forward. Did I mention she’s only four years old. That is a lot of hours sitting in the salon chair. I haven’t gone back, even though I really want to. I’m not sure what I should do at this point. What I do know is that I’m not good at doing hair.
When growing up I would always compare my hair to what I saw in magazines, wishing I could get mine that way. I love the confidence woman portray when they go “natural” and I love how smooth a woman’s hair looks after they add extensions. My hair is just blah, but at the end of the day my hair doesn’t really make me, me.
India Arie said it best in her song with Akon, “I am not my hair.”
I am not my hair
I am not my skin
I am not your expectations no noI am not my hair
I am not this skinI am the soul that lives within
I want my daughter to know that her hair doesn’t determine her integrity, her actions do. I want her to be confident with her decisions and wear her hair however she likes. Until then I will do my best to improve my hair styling skills.
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I had a similar issue when my daughter was born. I now wear locs, along with my husband and sons and my daughters wear braids, that it has taken me a number of years to learn to do in a way that looks presentable. I love that song. Sing it all the time. I feel free now that i am a loc head. I was wasting so much time getting relaxers, curling in the morning, rolling at night. Now I just get up shake my locs out and go.
This is a hard one, Selie. Undoing it, is going to be difficult. Only because like you said, your daughter already felt that her friends’ hair was ‘better’ than hers. Their hair, for some reason, was more appealing, in her eyes. When you changed her hair to look like theirs, you agreed, not debunked what she felt about her own self-image. “Every mother has the power to make her daughter feel beautiful”, is the signature that my sister has at the end of her email. On some level, I agree. We can get all the “you’re prettys” and “you’re beautifuls” in the world, but when we encounter the world outside our doors, and nothing deemed “beautiful” or “pretty” looks like us, it’s difficult to believe. We then end up wanting/needing to conform to that which is “pretty…beautiful”. It’s still worth a try though…
In the case of your daughter, you already know the error, so I am not, in any way, here to make you feel bad. I can just relate is all. I had the self-esteem issues growing up ( and on some level, still live with them) because I felt that “beauty” looked nothing like me. Even worse is that my beauty wasn’t reinforced in my own home.
Maybe with your daughter, you can show her some pictures of hairstyles of ALL different types. In this way, you are not conditioning her in one way or the other, yet showing her that there are many different beauty looks. As for her hair, she’s still young, so you have a bit of time to maybe learn some technique as far as ‘doing her hair’. I do understand your dilemma though. I have several women in my family that don’t know how to do hair – yet have daughters so I ended up being the family hairstylist since that’s always been my thing.
I wish you luck!
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I grew up hating getting my hair done. I was the screamer. Now that I have my own daughter I realize what an injustice it would be if she didn’t like herself just because I couldn’t keep her hair looking and feeling great. She is a beautiful girl no matter if her hair is done or not at all. I reinforce that every morning, noon, and night that she is beautiful just the way she is. Now when I do her hair she runs to the mirror and says “I’m a princess!” I am still learning (she’s 3) but all I have to say is THANK YOU to all those hairstylists, moms, and aunts that have posted videos on YouTube highlighting doing ethnic hairstyles and tutorials! Now my daughter rocks so much more than just an afro with a headband thrown on top. ;o)
I really appreciate your honesty.
My best, Lynn
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Mommys make mistakes all the time. When we do the best thign to do is admit it and be honest. Keep talking to your daughter about her hair and how beautiful it used to be before the relaxer. Slowly but surely encourage her to get braids etc. all the while you will be helping the relaxer to grow out. Maybe you can go natural too…..
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