After reading “Sometimes the White Girl (Guy) Isn’t About You” I was reminded of a conversation that I had with a very close childhood friend (who I’ll call Tanya) right before my wedding in 2003. Our friendship hadn’t really survived our high school years as the older we got the more different we became. When we left for college, those differences only increased and while we spoke on a semi-regular basis, our friendship was not as strong as it had once been. When I called to let her know that I was getting married, her response was, “to that White guy?” and she went on to tell me why dating and then marrying him was a slap in the face to all Black men. She called me a “race traitor” and said that once I had kids I would regret my decision.
Needless to say, I was hurt and annoyed. Strangely and even more so, I was worried that my love for this White man meant that I was not in love with being Black. I had never thought about this before. My mother raised me to love myself, my history, my culture, and everyone else despite our differences – because of our differences. Nonetheless, Tanya’s words stung and even as I remember them now, I feel a little sick thinking about the implication that I was turning my back on my people.
Subsequently, I began noticing every look, squirm, or alleged attitude that we encountered. I became hyper-aware of what everyone around us was thinking. When people actually verbalized their disapproval of our relationship (something that happened a lot when we were around Black people), I exploded with a rage that scared even my husband. Don’t get me wrong, I knew that people did not approve even before our marriage, but it did not bother me then. For some reason, Tanya’s assertion that I was a traitor made me insecure and put me on the defensive.
I wish that I told Tanya that it had nothing to do with her. I wish that I realized that those who disliked my relationship where themselves, insecure and self-loathing. I wish that I had the insight that I have now, six years and one child later. Because, you see, when I look at my daughter, I don’t regret a thing. I know that she is the product of genuine love. She is hope. And while my White man has nothing to do with anyone else, the strength and the courage that I had to go against the grain and to follow my heart- that comes from a long history of people who said “no” to what was “normal” and yes to what was right. The only traitors in my eyes are the ones who want to undo years of struggling for acceptance.
Related Posts:
On differences For children growing up, family represents the beginnings of our sense ...
Enough is enough Last week whilst reading Catherine M. Anderson's poem Black Enough ...
The Black woman’s burden As much as I try not to, I often find ...
Dating and the single parent What do you call a single mother who has a ...
Black or white I was raised in a black or white world, and ...
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
Race traitor, huh? That’s an interesting way of summing it all up. There is a deep rooted fear and insecurity that exists among the oppressed/previously oppressed. It’s a primal-like reaction to what is deemed as weakening the tribe. (I read this in an anthropology book that’s part of my abyss, er I mean home library.)It doesn’t excuse the behavior, but for me this info has been helpful in trying to communicate the ways in which this “us against them” thought pattern has been more destructive to strengthening the tribe of humans than it has been in successfully constructing a tribe of any one subset.(apparent in the way your friend’s comment depleted your bond) Unfortunately, most of my shinier moments conveying this bit of wisdom has befallen the ears of the choir.
t. allen-mercado´s last blog ..On Life in Ink
I like your perspective. If you are doing something out of genuine love, how can you be called a traitor? The only way I could see someone justifiably calling you that is if you said, “I’m giving up on black people altogether and I’m going to be white now.” I’m sure that’s not what you said, so “Tanya” needs to quit trippin.
joanofalltrades´s last blog ..I Fear the Deer
You label someone as self-loathing because they disapprove of the race of your husband? I’m surprised at your lack of thoughtful analysis. Is it actually possible that you do not understand how someone could find it politically or socially counterproductive for you to choose a mate of another race? C’mon! I am not asking you to agree with your former friend’s stance, I am simply saying that given the history of race in this country, the devaluing of people of African descent and the tenuous state of the black family unit in America, one hardly needs to be self-loathing to advocate for same-race family bonding. There are many perspectives here, all of which have some legitimacy, and everyone, including your beautiful offspring, will be better off if you take the time to understand the full breadth of these views.
Firstly, you cannot choose to fall in love with someone anymore than you can choose to be Black or short or tall. Love is not about choosing- id that were the case then no person would ever love someone who was not good for him/her. Love is about a connection that you have with someone on a level that goes deeper than race.
Secondly, I say self-loathing because if one were truly secure with his/her own self- if one truly respected him/her self- then the sight of an interracial couple should not cause feelings of personal inadequacy- you would understand that love is so much more than skin color.
I understand very much the negative feelings that one may have regarding the history of my people- I had them once too. But the fact of the matter is that race is a man-made construct used to divide and separate people in order to remove attention from the greater problems that we face as a nation. We are often bombarded with the idea that White people rule the country and that the rest of us are just here to serve. Only 1% of the population in this country has a controlling 90% interest. Fighting amongst ourselves because of racial differences is what keeps the focus off of the fact that wealth (real wealth) in this country is isolated to a very small group. Economics is what truly divides this country and not necessarily race.
I have learned that two people who are the same race may not be automatically compatible. I have met many Black people in my life whom I have had nothing in common with other than our skin color. Why should I condone and even understand a need to summarize a person’s experience in a word that is not even a true biological factor. Race does not automatically mean that you will act, think , or even associate with certain things. And why should my relationship be viewed as a political statement or a result of not wanting to be Black? In addition, Am I to believe that a White person cannot truly love and a respect a Black person- that all White people are inherently racist? That is as ignorant as saying that all Black people are living in the projects, stupid, or inherently violent. Talk about counterproductive!
This is not about the Black Family unit. This is about respecting that the things that make us different are what can also make us connect. Saving the Black Family unit has nothing to do with marrying within the race and everything to do with the need for society to refocus on the importance of family values. How about we just save the Family Unit in general?!
The notion that “you cannot choose to fall in love with someone” is ethnocentric and disempowering. I will not relinquish my agency in any given situation by claiming that ‘I just couldn’t help it’. In order for you to connect with someone you have to be open to that connection in the first place. One’s biases often present barriers or pathways to those connections so that in fact you may block someone or enthusiastically embrace someone else because of those biases. What about the woman who for years has been taunted or ridiculed for being “too dark”? She may then gravitate to someone who is lighter skinned as a way of compensating for the sense of inadequacy that developed from such abuse. Similarly, a woman who grew up in poverty may seek out only those from a wealthier socio-economic group in order to distance herself from a legacy with which she is uncomfortable. What about a woman who grew up in an abusive household? She may “fall in love” with only controlling, abusive types. Does that mean she can’t help it either? I sincerely hope not! These decisions are typically unconscious only because most of us don’t explore our own psyches until we’re knee deep in our relationships. In fact, people spend years in therapy uncovering all of the “stuff” that led them to “fall in love” with whomever they marry, so the idea that one cannot help who they fall in love with holds true only for the most emotionally immature among us.
Further, you automatically assume that the reason that all people marry is because they fall in love. Just like race, the idea of “falling in love” is socially constructed. In fact, marriage has a much longer history as an institution designed to transfer wealth across generations, and transmit cultural values than it does as an institution to celebrate love. This is why arranged marriages existed, this is why taboos exist to discourage folks from marrying outside of their primary social group/tribe/village/socio-economic pedigree etc.
You say in your response here that only a self-loathing person would feel personally inadequate upon seeing an interracial couple. I completely agree. However this is not what you posited in your original piece.
As a British-born, Canadian-raised Black person raised by Caribbean parents and living in America, I know all too well that one’s skin color does not constitute an automatic connection with someone. Clearly, people do not automatically have a particular view simply by virtue of their ethnic or racial background. That is not the point. The point is that there are varied motivations for any given behavior and to suggest that someone is self-loathing simply because they are against interracial marriage is as ridiculous as suggesting that every Black person who marries someone White is “turning their back on their people”. Life is much more nuanced than such simplistic analyses would suggest.
Love is a chemical reaction- it is biologically uncontrollable. What can be controlled is how you react to that attraction. Closing oneself off from love using race as a factor is limited and creates a separation that need not exist. Knowing that love happens without very sound reasons is not immature it is realistic. Sometimes it is unexplainable even when others oppose the connection that you may have with someone.
The point of my original article, however, is that it is no one’s business who I decided to marry. If you don’t like it, fine, but I will not allow nor take the time to entertain your negativity towards my life partner simply because you don’t like his race. If I am happy- truly happy, who are you to say that my relationship is wrong. That is why Tanya and I are no longer friends. (I don’t mean you, Paula, but the general ‘you’)
A side note- I did say that those who dislike my relationship tend the be insecure and self-loathing. I stand by that statement because it has been my experience that the people who have problems with it are unhappy in their own lives and with their choices. I am writing based on what I know to be true in my life.
Kristina Brooke´s last blog ..I’m Here to Help!
Honestly, I think both sides are extra sensitive. In fear spouts ignorance. That was displayed when she called you a race traitor. On the flip side of things, I can see her fear. It may not be rational but its true. Just like those who date outside their race tend to think every look or glance is disapproval. I was in the store once when an interracial couple were shopping and I was patiently waiting to get to the cheese. They cuddled and hugged and they looked oh so cute together but the guy turned around and rolled his eyes at me and huffed away. I was in shock. I reached for the cheese and moved on. Later he approached me and gave me the you are a bad black woman speech. I told him in the nicest way I could, I love that you love your woman and I think you guys make a beautiful couple with your PDAs and all, but can you love her away from the blue cheese next time! Moral of the story, it ain’t always about the race, sometimes its just about the cheese!
T.Rochelle´s last blog ..Tax Free Weekends
This is an excellently written post and a very interesting subject that has caused a lot of debates over the year. One thing I’d like to point out is that not everyone who disagrees with interracial marriage is insecure. I would venture to say that they are immature. I remember a time when I looked with disdain at interracial couples. It was a slap in the face at the time because when I was younger I only heard negative things about black women as to why we weren’t chosen by black men who dated white women or chosen by white men.
As I’ve gotten older and more mature I have learned a lot more and come to appreciate the different opinions and choices of other people. It’s also a matter of basic respect. No one should belittle, judge or disrespect someone else based on their personal choices.
It’s unfortunate that’s something you had/have to endure and I hope there is a time when “race traitor” conversations are a thing of the past.
Petula´s last blog ..Relastin Eye Silk Update, neuLash eyelash technology – product reviews
You said it so well Kristina. I’ve had to deal with things like this from my country folks too…still deal with it now too. I refuse to let it hinder me.
JamericanSpice´s last blog ..WW: Fun in the sun includes being air borne!